Where to start - that's the issue? The men's 2's played Wallingford away on Saturday and that is all I am prepared to say by way of factual introduction.
Regular readers of this column will know that I have on occasions raised the issue of whether there are dark forces at work in our universe. For those of you potentially interested in this possibility but who are only recent devotees to my weekly outpourings may I refer you to earlier articles where I have developed this theory. Your references are:
15 October 2016 - "Mens 2's win again - will the real Charlie Firth stand up" - a carefully considered discussion on whether the legendary Charlie Firth may have been man or myth. It repays careful study of a mystery which is still , some two years later, no closer to being resolved.
29 October 2016 -" Another win for Paddy and Wardy's chums after a disturbing week" - a wide ranging discourse following some days of exceptional paranormal activity within the club. This important article considers (significantly in the week before an away game at Wallingford) whether our principal striker at the time may actually have been an alien. It goes on to look at the evidence surrounding the sudden unexplained disappearance of the club captain at the time and the reasonableness, or otherwise, of the explanation that he had been sent to Marrakesh to sort out a rat infestation at one of the city's most prestigious hotels. I think you will find it a work of some scholarship.
It is I believe no coincidence that the events I am about to describe which occurred this last weekend also had a Wallingford connection.
I have considered carefully whether I should simply not write a report this week but I am very clear (just like Mrs May) that it is in the public interest that I should share these exceptional events with a wider audience.
I cannot begin explain what happened. The events to which I refer are these:-
1. For the second week running our resident antipodean Ian Gurden scored 2 goals. Clearly no one was more surprised than him. As the ball dribbled over the goal line for his second goal the skies opened and projected freezing rain of such ferocity that it would not have been out of place in the Book of Leviticus. There is no doubt in my view that the two events were inextricably linked. In other words it was the scoring of the goal which triggered the climatic response - how could that have happened.? - I simply have no idea but it did. ( Recently I have in an earlier report held Gurden up to public ridicule for missing an opportunity in front of goal that a blind parrot could have put away - I now very much regret doing so).
2.Towards the close of the match Hugo left the field with an injury to his hand and took refuge in the dugout. Shortly after the final whistle it became evident that he had disappeared into thin air. He did not return to the changing room and the only evidence of him was his sodden shirt which was discovered abandoned on the astroturf in front of the shelter. I have recovered it and will be pleased and relieved to return it to the poor fellow if I ever see him again. (Recently I have in an earlier report held Hugo up to public ridicule for suffering concussion in a match and later allegedly making an inappropriate approach to a lady in the clubhouse - I now very much regret doing so).
3. Following the end of the game and with Gurden's apocalyptic storm still raging I got to my car to discover that the key would not work and I could not gain access to it. I called the woman who manages the Hawks kitchen and with whom I have an ongoing arrangement. I asked this lovely sweet lady to drive out to Wallingford with a spare key for me. I had considerably less success than that silly girl who tried to sail round the world in a small wooden boat and then capsized but who, nonetheless, managed to call out the Chinese Navy. TWWMTHawksK flatly refused to come out saying she didn't know where Wallingford was. I assume it was her but her answer was so out of character I'm now wondering if it was a being from another universe - in other words a dark force. (Recently I have in an earlier report - in fact more than one - held this delightful lady up to public ridicule by referring to her somewhat disrespectfully - I now very much regret doing so).
4. Finally over the weekend I received an email from Tommy Dawes saying he would not be playing for the rest of the season and it sounds like he is planning to disappear as well as Hugo. I know he is planning to go to University in Scotland but that is in September 2019 and it seems a bit early to set off now. (Recently I have in an earlier report - in fact more than one - lampooned him publicly by 1) referring to him as Windows, 2) telling the world he had fallen off his bike 3) accusing him of walking off with several team shirts - I now very much regret doing so).
There it is. .
Finally the 2's edged an extraordinary game 6- 5 - that totals 11 goals and readers of this column will know my anxieties about the number 11. Dismiss dark forces at your peril - believe me they are everywhere.