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Men’s 2s produce surprise LOTR sequel just in time for BAFTAs

07 February 2015, 11:30, Banbury Road North (Near)

Men's 2s 7 - 0 PHC Chiswick Men's 1s

After the previous weeks performance, Peter Jackson sat us all down individually to look at how we could improve. Although the producers had been happy with the 5 goals at the box office, reviews on the performance level were poor. In a bid to reinvigorate his Middle Earth Franchise, he came up with an idea for a hockey based sequel - an idea he had whilst chatting to JK Rowling about the rules of Quidditch.

As the frost gently thawed in the Shire, the assembled company of Hobbits, Elves, Men, a Dwarf and a Wizard made it out to the Middle Earth astro. Their bearded director had made it clear what was necessary. Gandalf reminded us of our responsibility to protect the ring and we were ready to go.

Boromir and Aragorn spent the game trying to hold Middle Earth. The more hotheaded Boromir was heavily involved in the opening battles. He would stop at nothing to get near to the ring. However, he knew this time that the yellow haze was close to corrupting him again and his repent saved him on this occasion. With a clear mind he was able to send the Uruk Hai keeper the wrong way to slot the first goal straight down the middle from a short corner. For the rest of the game he kept out of trouble, sitting in front to protect Merry and Pippin. Aragorn played a near faultless hand keeping everyone around him involved in the game.

Frodo had been banging on about wanting to have an adventure all season, so when he was pushed forward, dependable old Samwise was brought on to keep an eye on him.

Everyone was in agreement that Bilbos efforts last week to hold the ring one last time were a bit weird and so he was not allowed to look at it for too long today, just in case the BBFC representatives caught him and raised the certificate of the film. Elrond used his experience to be in the right place at the right time to tuck in a rebound shot. However, his most notable contribution came when making an Elvish joke at Samwises expense. Poor Samwise had a bad few minutes after also falling over his own hobbit feet whilst defending the Shire.

Gimli, Son of Gloin, turned up as usual wearing full body armour which made him smell, welllike a dwarf. As we have become used to, his squat frame belied unexpected agility and he was brought into action on a number of occasions to cut down the onrushing hoard. Fortunately, on his one foray out of position with his throwing axe, Gandalf appeared from nowhere behind him and as he put staff and body on the line, None shall pass! was ringing in the Orcs ears. Gandalf kept the hobbits generally in check for the game, and after previous bad experiences, made sure that they did not wander too far from his sight.

Eomer, the most accomplished of the Riders of Rohan, needed no horse today to find his way past the enemy throng. His slight of hand, at times, was so sublime that some onlookers could not believe that he had meant it. None of this detracted from two perfectly placed set-piece spears which sealed the defeat of Sarumans army.

Treebeard as usual made use of his long branches to help keep the ring away from Sarumans Orc Hoard and spent much of the game avoiding being cut off at the roots. Whilst he claimed he got a leaf to one of Faramirs goals, this contribution did not make the final edit. After previously being kept out of the limelight, Faramir was determined to make the trailer this time and doubled his chances with another shovelled strike.

Legolas was always the first to feel the cold and when he turned up wearing tights to protect his bandy Elf legs, there was general concern from the costume department. But when Elrond spoke in his defence, everyone agreed to accept his wisdom. When Legolas tried to fire his bow from the opposite hand, the result was well off target. The crowd was unconvinced when he claimed that he was aiming for a Nazgûl which no-one else had seen. Fortunately, he regained his composure before the younger Elves arrived to watch and after outsmarting two Orcs on the edge of the Shire, he ran with great speed to deflect the final ring into the fires of Mount Doom.

DoD: Peregrin Took for supplying shower beers left over from Bilbos Eleventy First Birthday

MoM: Eomer the Blessed- Third Marshal of the Mark. Crowned King of Rohan for a brace and outrageous (anti)skills.

Cast: Gimli Son of Gloin, Gandalf the Grey, Peregrin (Pippin) Took, Meriadoc (Merry) Brandybuck, Frodo Baggins, Samwise Gamgee, Aragorn son of Arathorn, Boromir son of Denethor, Bilbo Baggins, Elrond Lord of Rivendell, Eomer the Blessed, Faramir son of Denethor, Legolas son of Thranduil, Treebeard also known as Fangorn.

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